Week 19: Lean IN

I have a hard time writing a blog post when I'm not feeling 100% excited and happy about this baby. {Yes, sometimes, I'm scared, overwhelmed, worried and anxious about being pregnant and having a baby}. This week, I hit a point where I thought I would just abandon the pregnancy blog. Instead, I decided to press on, knowing that it is important to share that not all pregnancies go 100% smoothly; sometimes there are complications or unknowns.

In our case, at our anatomy ultrasound last week {when I was 18 weeks, 1 day}....

The appointment left me with so many emotions. We found out the gender, saw so many good things with the baby's development, but it was overshadowed with concerns about the baby's heart. After having "inconclusive" pictures of the one particular view, we were referred to see a fetal cardiology specialist. I am having to work hard to be excited {as opposed to nervous/scared/anxious all the time} and really wanted to be purely excited after the appointment. Even though everything could go smoothly and be fine at the specialist, I left our first US appointment feeling overwhelmed and worried.

I was able to return to the radiologist for a second US this week {at 19 weeks, 1 day} for a few more pictures. The heart looks a lot better already. They were able to get pictures from a different angle and see more development.

So here is the reality... Sometimes I panic that I'm pregnant right now. I get anxious about our future, how are life is about to change for forever, how we will sort out all these financial changes, blah blah blah. The truth is, my whole life is an unknown. The ONLY certain thing in this whole world is that God has a plan for me.  I can't just believe in God's plan a little bit, every single day I have to physically and mentally lean IN to knowing God has a plan. Because if I don't, I've got nothing.

Yes, I would love it if he wrote me a letter spelling out every detail of the plan, but that's not how God works. I have to trust him everyday with our future and our baby's future. By focusing on this, not only is it the only way to make it through emotional complications, but it is preparing me to be a parent when there are a thousand more things out of my control. Sometimes I feel at peace to hand it all over to Him; sometimes is it HARD. I get stressed just by trying to give it up. So maybe I am more emotional or hormonal, but God gave me these emotions and it leads me to him every time. {And even writing this makes me teary-eyed.}

So if you stuck to the reading about my emotions above, I supposed I can do a quick update....

Momma Bod: I swear my belly grew overnight. My scrubs are tighter and my XL sweatpants felt too tight at the end of the day pressing on my belly. {Not too small, I just don't like things tight}

Movement: I might be feeling a little movement..?!? It's really hard to tell. Nothing has stopped me during the day though. When I lay down and am really trying to feel movement, I feel my pulse in my stomach, just above my uterus. But could that actually be movement??!?

Food: I am having a hard time eating normal amounts of food. My appetite is low because I get the feeling of being full/stuffed very easily. I can't really snack throughout the day while at work, and my lunch break is only 20-25 minutes. I try to eat a slow, good sized dinner, which is also a challenge because my bedtime routine starts at about 8:15pm.

Mood: I think those around me might say that I easily get worked up. They might even call it "more emotional" or "more hormonal." I would say, with our move and new transition, there are still so many unknowns to me that I get overwhelmed that we don't have a specific plan for everything. I like a plan, and even if it changes, I like to start with some sort of feasible plan.

My Encouragement: Lean IN to God and his plan. Trusting God is more than just acknowledging he has a great plan for us. LEAN IN.

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:4

Sing it... "He is my rock, my sword, my shielddddd..." If you went to Vacation Bible School, you probably know it {and learned all the hand signs}! To refresh your memory...This is the original bluegrass version by Randy Travis   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-Q31Np8fYU

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jer 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight."
Prov 3:5-6